Many, perhaps most women today are survivors of some form of sexual violence or abuse. This can make them hard to be in relationship with, especially while it's "up" for them, or while they're doing their healing. Here are some tips to help you, the partner, navigate what can feel like a constantly exploding minefield:

Remember, when she doesn't want to have sex or can't come, it's not because you're not good enough. It's about her, NOT your sexual skills, appearance, or desirability.

If your partner is non-orgasmic, it's not a contest which you win by getting her to come. It's much better to just enjoy what's easy and natural between you. Get creative.

Learn her obvious triggers, and as much as possible, avoid them. Ex: if her abuser strangled her, keep your hands away from her throat. Don't try to do this perfectly, as she needs to get triggered sometimes to help move through the pain. The goal is to eventually dismantle all the land mines, but this can't be done all at once.

Get support yourself. She may not be "crazy," but this healing process is. You need to talk to people who get it. Don't neglect your own healing process as your stuff gets stirred up. This is especially important if you want to be her partner when she comes out of the dark tunnel. Don't be the only one in the relationship who didn't do any personal work. Her process is not your excuse.

Listen to her and believe her. Someone probably did do the terrible things she describes. Remembering and talking about them are hard enough without feeling like she has to prove it to you.

Honor her "no." She may never before in her life have had someone who truly listened to that golden word. This may mean a period of no sex for you. Take up a hobby, explore creative masturbation, or study Tantric celibacy, but DON'T pressure her. When she's hurting, this just makes you look like another abuser even if you're trying to love her.

Find non-sexual ways to show your love. Gentle touching, walks in the park, cooking beautiful foods together, bowling. Create opportunities for the two of you to enjoy your time together without stirring up the baggage.

Remember you're her partner, and not her healer or savior. Get outside help to fill those roles.

Hold her when she cries. Just let her cry, and don't try to control or stop it. The crying may go on for months, and that's okay.

Don't take it personally when she rages. Get her some pillows to punch, or create a space where she can break some garage-sale dishes safely. She needs to get her anger out of her body.

Her process will go in waves, according to her own timing. Sometimes she'll dive in and deal with all of it, sometimes she'll take a break to live life for a while. You can offer your viewpoint, but don't try to control her process.

Know that she's practicing boundaries, perhaps for the first time. Some of the things she asks for, or tells you not to do, may seem strange. Go along with it if you can, until she doesn't need it anymore.

Set your own boundaries, making sure you take care of yourself. Do not let her pain create a situation where you are emotionally abused. This is not an endurance contest for you. You must be whole and refreshed to do anyone any good.

Figure on at least two years of emotional upheaval once a survivor gets out of denial and begins to actively do her healing work. Patience is your friend. But don't expect that one day it will all be over. These issues will be with her, in some form or other, for her lifetime. Love in a way you can sustain.

Ask yourself if the relationship continues to benefit both of you, keeping close tabs on your own resentment and hurt. If you don't have the patience or emotional resources to maintain your own emotional health and be supportive to your partner, go gracefully and in love. Be the best friend you can be to her, if you can no longer be partners.

Know that you are a saint. You should get a medal for patiently loving a survivor. There is no sweeter place in a survivor's memory than the first person to love her in a healthy way. Even if she never finds the words to thank you, know that we all do. The love you give is essential for her healing, and her healing is essential for bringing this shit to an end. One person at a time, we become whole, which allows us to love all our children and young people well. Good for you for doing your part.

For more information, check out "The Survivor's Guide to Sex," "Courage to Heal," or "The Obsidian Mirror."

*** Freya is a professional psychic, teacher, healer, and shaman. She is available for psychic readings on survivor issues, as well as all other areas of life experience. She can be reached at (206) 276-4290 or freya_ray@yahoo.com, and more info can be found at her website, freyaray.com. Blessings! ***